Solar Beings

When I need to rest my eyes, I get a matte black cloth and wrap it tightly around my head, so tight it’s almost painful,

Then I place my hand over my mouth and lie back,

When the back ball of my head hits the bed I stop for a minute…and in complete darkness I return home,

No more color, no more reason to fight the burning solar beings feeding, biting at light…I can just…stop,

Just stop for a minute and regain myself,

For every second after wake I begin wane into naught and my eyes strain until they’re bloodshot with filth,

It’s the filth of these solar beings braiding between my energy…eating and taking, and taking, and making me sick of seeing the sickness of solar beings,

I regain myself…just for a minute before I return into their space, opposite of mine.

When I want to rest my eyes.

Just a lil bit

Okay I must admit,

I may have exaggerated a lil bit-

In saying that I was depressed,

I was just sad, and I confused the stirring pain in my chest with mental illness,

After I chucked my 3 years of training on emotional fortitude and resilience,

The tears taught me I am still breakable and that rattled my insides like the passengers of a tumbling car…

Instead the tumbling car was my life and I was the driver.

So I must admit,

I may have misused the word “depressed” just to ,ya know, REEALLY FEEL IT! Like really feel the barely bearable wave of existential dread. That type that reminds you that time is fleeting and your love ones will eventually die, either before you or afterwards. The type that reminds you that you are actually physically in the company of many and utterly emotionally alone…the type of pain that leaves a bloody taste in your mouth like you’ve just been punched in the teeth.

I’m not depressed, I’m just sad.

Color

They gave me 6 seconds to accept the fundamentally impossible,

They stood and watched as the inner workings of my soul ticked and clicked until my body remained speechless,

My mouth went dry and ears ached as I heard the halls of my soul pluck chords unfamiliar,

I stayed untrue to my knowing as I gripped to my reality,

They watched me decompose like a teacher watching an Apple rot on a small desk…they did not utter a word,

This world force-fed to me in 6 seconds before the last light I knew faded into black,

My new world, my new now…dimmer, darker, blacker than I could stand…total darkness crept in total nothing,

I screamed for 30 seconds before sound fled my ears,

I felt nothing more than the vibrations of my tone shaking my vacant shell,

They said nothing…and then…

And then my voice claimed its station in my mind,

It claimed its authority in my me…my 6 seconds turned into 6 hours, days…I have since lost the measurement of time as I traverse this astral plane…wishing for my elders…wishing for color, and then, it happened…